There are no cats in America! Except for like a dozen who can be easily pushed off a pier. But there are definitely no dogs! At least that’s what we know from Don Bluth’s An American Tail. Is this the biggest bummer of a kids’ movie ever made? Does anyone remember any details about it beyond crying over Somewhere Out There? How in the world does Fievel survive so many near-death experiences? And can you freaking believe they got Christopher Plummer to play a French pigeon?? One thing we do know is that learned a lot of actual historical facts about 19th-century New York during this viewing.
Happy Birthday to us! To celebrate, get strapped and iamb your pentameter as we revel in Baz Luhrmann’s deliciously over-the-top Romeo + Juliet (1996), one of the first episodes we ever recorded—and producer Randall’s personal white whale. Did this soundtrack ever leave your Discman? Are we the biggest Shakespeare dorks who ever lived? Is Harold Perrineau’s Mercutio pure sex in platform heels? (No question he carries this film.) Or is John Leguizamo’s Tybalt the true snack? Don’t get us wrong, Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes are adorable portraying young love, but we could do with less screaming. Now please excuse us as we listen to The Cardigans on loop.
Beverly Hills, what a thrill! Take a trip back to the golden days of childhood when you were forced to interact with nature and coveted a sash with badges celebrating achievements like “Science” and “Friendship” and “Describing Fashion to Blind People”. Was Shelley Long a secret fashion icon? Was Jenny Lewis THE unsung child star of the ’90s? Does anyone today remember half of the people with cameos in this movie? And was anyone really clamoring to see Craig T. Nelson shirtless? Get ready to glamp in style and do the Freddie with us as we enjoy some khaki wishes and cookie dreams with our favorite Wilderness Girls and Troop Beverly Hills.
Grunge up your unwashed hair and please put out that endless chain of cigarettes as we succumb to the 90s slacker vortex that is Reality Bites. Do Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawke’s characters actually deserve each other because they both suck so much? And should we feel bad for Ben Stiller or relieved that he totally dodged a bullet there? Could we just watch Steve Zahn be adorable and Janeane Garofalo in her perfect vintage outfits instead? And can we directly blame all the shitty behavior and toxic relationships during our 20s on this movie? We’ll let you know as soon as we stop listening to Lisa Loeb on loop.
Slap on that fedora and crack your whip, cuz it’s time we MEET STEVEN SPIELBERG—OK MAYBE WE JUST SAW HIM LIVE ON STAGE—WITH LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA—BUT HE SAID HE LOVED US at a special theatrical screening Raiders of the Lost Ark at the United Palace in Washington Heights. Is Bryce a true romantic for going to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in the theater multiple times with Randall? How did Dayna manage not to watch this movie until her 20s—and not see Temple of Doom as of this recording? Who is everyone’s bigger first film crush, Harrison Ford or Karen Allen? And can we just say f@ck you Nazi monkey? Honestly, we have too many feelings about this film to give you too many answers.