Twist up your white girl dreads (or just don’t, actually) and let’s ride with Nic Cage in Gone in 60 Seconds. How angry is Jerry Bruckheimer that the Fast and the Furious franchise stole his thunder? Does this movie immediately take you back to the Year 2000 (insert requisite Conan audio cue)? Was there just no room in the budget to give Angelina Jolie even like a hint of character development? And Plot? Who needs a plot? You’ll get some answers if you can keep up with our need for speed.

Hide your bunnies and guard your kids from ghosted lovers as we delve deep into the psyche of the 1987 film Fatal Attraction. Who do we blame for Glenn Close’s horrendous hair style in that opening party scene? Did Anne Archer portray the perfect wife or a one-sided non-character? (Either way, she didn’t deserve to be done so dirty.) Would this movie have aged better if it had been released with its original ending? And perhaps most importantly, why were 80s audiences so invested in Michael Douglas’s dong? We struggle for answers, through the pain of animal cruelty trauma. 

Look out for those bloodthirsty trees and turn every sentence you speak into a question as we run incomprehensibly towards M. Knight Shyamalan’s The Happening. Who told Mark Wahlberg that acting smaht just meant raising the inflection of your voice up at the end of everything? Is Zooey Deschanel the only cinematic example of the Depressive Pixie Dream Girl? (And if so, thank god for that.) And can we all just agree no one ever wants travel hot dogs? Like Marky Mark, we’ve got more questions than answers with this episode. 

Clean off your flute and stop looking at that warm apple pastry like that as we dive… head first? (ugh, we hate ourselves)… into 1999’s American Pie. Should this movie be renamed American Why, cuz we really don’t get why it spawned so many sequels (you know, besides all that money they make). Is it ok to watch teen sex romps in your 40s? Can we watch the dry, smart, funny movie Natasha Lyonne and Jennifer Coolidge are performing in? Eugene Levy can join as the best movie dad ever. And can someone call SVU stat to report these pervs committing an actual sex crime against Shannon Elizabeth’s unsuspecting foreign exchange student? Like a stereotypical teen boy, we can’t promise you many satisfying answers, but we can promise you plenty of weird smells in today’s episode. 

Toss back that gorgeous mullet and shoot before you ask as we ride off into the sunset with the 1988 Brat Pack classic Young Guns. How many more enjoyable Westerns could we have watched instead of this? (Answer: all of them.) Is this movie the nail in the coffin for the Dermot Mulroney vs Dylan McDermott debate just because of how unarguably revolting “Dirty” Stephens is? Which is longer, the eventual heat death of the universe or this movie? Find out these answers and more life lessons under Terence Stamp’s tough love tutelage.