You're no fun anymore

Pull on your sweatiest tank top and let the wind lift your long prison locks as we take off on Con Air. Is the length of Nicolas Cage’s sideburns an accurate barometer for his character’s craziness in a given film? Did John Cusack borrow his suit from David Byrne for this? Is Helen alone in finding Steve Buscemi supremely attractive? Why didn’t Trisha Yearwood’s How Do I Live come on every time John Malkovich and Nic Cage were on screen together? And who leaves their kid in an abandoned plane graveyard?? We don’t have any answers for you, but plenty of explosions. 

Fluff out your hair extensions and swash your buckles as we ride off with Disney’s 1993 schlocktacular The Three Musketeers. Which is more historically inaccurate, this movie or your average Renaissance Faire? Who buttered your biscuit more, Keifer Sutherland or Chris O’Donnell? Is the only good thing to come out of this Tim Curry’s cape twirling and another killer rock ballad by Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart and Sting? And can the next remake please just star all the great Hollywood Chrises, aka The Three Chriskateers? We might get some answers if we weren’t equal parts disappointed and offended by the mediocrity of this whole production.

Put on your glamest resort wear, pull up a wicker chair and dig into this cheesecake as we travel down the road and back again with The Golden Girls. Is any gushing tribute enough to honor the incredible Betty White? Will Dayna be in charge of preserving this lore in the apocalypse? Why did the live-in gay house-boy in the pilot get written out of this show? Do sitcoms set the tone for our real-life friendships? And can you listen to this theme song without singing along? We just want you to know that your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant.

Pick up that random phone call and make sure you know your horror movie tropes as we take a stab at Wes Craven’s Scream. Why doesn’t Drew Barrymore get more credit for her late 90s cinematic acumen? Are Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard totally boning in this film, or ensnared in a dom-sub bro-down? Were high school friendships really this toxic? (Yuuuup.) Why is Liev Schreiber tossed in such a throw-away scene? And do you want us to post our awkward school photos? All we know is that the meta still holds up in this episode even if the teenage shenanigans don’t. 

Pitch your voice up a few octaves and brace yourself for some unbelievably racist stereotypes as we race off with the bizarrely sexual children’s film The Chipmunk Adventure. Would this movie have made any more sense if we’d been able to watch it as a cohesive whole rather than through YouTube scraps? Who decided turning the Chipmunks into money laundering mules would make a good plot for a kid’s movie? Are Klaus and Claudia siblings or… something more? And, most disturbingly, why must there be so many upskirt shots of the Chipettes? Please direct all questions to our therapists because this is the episode where we tangle with how deeply this movie imprinted on some of our psyches.