You're no fun anymore

Grab your crucifix and have inappropriate feelings for your step-siblings as we become completely infatuated with 1999’s Cruel Intentions. Where did Sarah Michelle Gellar get her rich divorcee wardrobe and can we buy it now? Why are we supposed to root for serial abuser Ryan Phillippe when he doesn’t even redeem himself so much as just pause on being a total douchebag? Cuz it sure isn’t his non-existent chemistry with Reese Witherspoon! But can we get more Selma Blair forever and ever please? We’ll let you know as soon as we finish listening to Placebo for the 100th time because they still slap. 

Lock up your daughters (especially if Colin Firth is moping around with some loose papers), and keep an eye on that randy PM, as we immerse ourselves in the Christmas overindulgence that is Richard Curtis’s Love Actually. Can we please stop calling totally normally proportioned Martine McCutcheon chubby? Did Mark, aka the Cue Card Guy, deserve the hate he got for his visual proclamation? And are the porn couple the only healthy relationship in this whole film? Or is it Bill Nighy’s aging rockstar and his manager? We’re too busy tearing up over the actual people welcoming each other home at Heathrow to come up with any answers. 

Sit back and let Al Pacino in full ham force wash over you in 1997’s The Devil’s Advocate. How is Charlize Theron so good so early in her career (and despite that Southern accent)? Are the offensive parts of this movie that way because it’s about the literal devil, or because the 90s just sucked that much? Why is this movie trying to be deeper than it can ever actually achieve? And is Randall recording this episode directly from the circle of hell where this movie is playing on repeat? We’ll let you know as soon as we finish digesting all this fine pork product.

It’s time to turn the Thanksgiving tables on the colonizers, practice your tango, and think about Debbie’s needs as we get all together ooky with Barry Sonnenfeld’s Addams Family Values (1993). Should we give the incomparable Joan Cusack most of the credit for making this sequel better than the original? Or does it go to the incredibly precocious Christina Ricci, who might be the best child star of her generation? Are Angelica Huston and Raul Julia the ultimate relationship goals on-screen couple? And is Uncle Fester’s O face in this movie even creepier than Dan Ackroyd’s in Ghostbusters? All we know it that we want to find the kind of loving acceptance the Addams Family bestows so easily.