Snap those fingers and blow out that candle, man, as we immerse ourselves in Mike Myers’s personal mythology in Tommy Schlamme’s So I Married an Axe Murderer. Is this movie basically a Rosetta Stone for all of Myers’s future films? How does a beat poet afford an incredible apartment in San Francisco—unless he’s actually the one who is a black widow killer? Are the comedy cameos in this, from Charles Brolin to Steven Wright, the best of all time? Or do the incessant “bits” that it spawned ruin the fun? The only thing we can say is: Let’s get pissed!

Prepare to crash land in a backyard pool and shave off all your candy-colored fur so we can have a Close Encounter of the Sex Romp kind with 1988’s Earth Girls Are Easy. Why would Geena Davis ever pick Charles Rocket’s Dr Love over actual Adonis Jeff Goldblum? Did you know Damon Wayon could tear up a dance floor? And why did Jim Carrey not spend his career being a hot blond guy? Was this movie just a feature-length vehicle for Julie Brown’s excellent Cuz I’m A Blond music video? (We’re ok with that.) Or was it a subversive comment on gender norms and sexual mores? (Even more ok with that.) We’d like to answer you, but we can’t spell that good. 

Collect your various plastic lady parts and prepare to literally turn women into objects as we cringe all over Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall’s disappointing relationship in 1987’s Mannequin. Why did Roxie get shafted so badly by this movie? Who do we need to punish for the horrible violation that is James Spader’s hair? Can we just spend our days drinking cocktails with Estelle Getty and spilling tea with Meshach Taylor? And did Alex just reveal that she’s a serial killer? There are no answers, only Ham Spader.   

Brace yourself for a federally funded makeover and describe your idea of a perfect date as we strive for world peace with Sandra Bullock in 2000’s Miss Congeniality. Does this movie comment on the objectification of women and dismissive stereotypes, or just straight up continue them? How can Benjamin Bratt be so good looking and yet such a jerk? (Actually, nevermind, that one answers itself.) And how do those donuts survive being smuggled in such… intimate places? Ask us again after we learn this complicated choreography and stop a live terrorist attack while looking completely flawless. 

Turn your radio dial to needy and rack up those frequent flyer miles as we fend off seasonal affective disorder in Nora Ephron’s Sleepless in Seattle. Why were we taught that Walter was not good enough, when he doesn’t seem to be the problem here? How did we miss that Meg Ryan was a legit stalker in this? What’s better, mom core or mom porn? Should we just watch An Affair To Remember? And how does nobody know what tiramisu is?? Our flight got delayed somewhere over Cleveland so we’ve got no answers for you.