Look out for those bloodthirsty trees and turn every sentence you speak into a question as we run incomprehensibly towards M. Knight Shyamalan’s The Happening. Who told Mark Wahlberg that acting smaht just meant raising the inflection of your voice up at the end of everything? Is Zooey Deschanel the only cinematic example of the Depressive Pixie Dream Girl? (And if so, thank god for that.) And can we all just agree no one ever wants travel hot dogs? Like Marky Mark, we’ve got more questions than answers with this episode. 

Clean off your flute and stop looking at that warm apple pastry like that as we dive… head first? (ugh, we hate ourselves)… into 1999’s American Pie. Should this movie be renamed American Why, cuz we really don’t get why it spawned so many sequels (you know, besides all that money they make). Is it ok to watch teen sex romps in your 40s? Can we watch the dry, smart, funny movie Natasha Lyonne and Jennifer Coolidge are performing in? Eugene Levy can join as the best movie dad ever. And can someone call SVU stat to report these pervs committing an actual sex crime against Shannon Elizabeth’s unsuspecting foreign exchange student? Like a stereotypical teen boy, we can’t promise you many satisfying answers, but we can promise you plenty of weird smells in today’s episode. 

Toss back that gorgeous mullet and shoot before you ask as we ride off into the sunset with the 1988 Brat Pack classic Young Guns. How many more enjoyable Westerns could we have watched instead of this? (Answer: all of them.) Is this movie the nail in the coffin for the Dermot Mulroney vs Dylan McDermott debate just because of how unarguably revolting “Dirty” Stephens is? Which is longer, the eventual heat death of the universe or this movie? Find out these answers and more life lessons under Terence Stamp’s tough love tutelage. 

Grab your crucifix and have inappropriate feelings for your step-siblings as we become completely infatuated with 1999’s Cruel Intentions. Where did Sarah Michelle Gellar get her rich divorcee wardrobe and can we buy it now? Why are we supposed to root for serial abuser Ryan Phillippe when he doesn’t even redeem himself so much as just pause on being a total douchebag? Cuz it sure isn’t his non-existent chemistry with Reese Witherspoon! But can we get more Selma Blair forever and ever please? We’ll let you know as soon as we finish listening to Placebo for the 100th time because they still slap.